Tag Archives: john

Healing, part two.

19 Dec

Reverb10: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?  (Author: Leonie Allan)

Heal the world !!!
Image by bluewinx15(busy) via Flickr

Over two years ago my best friend and I had a fight.  It wasn’t a one time incident; we fought for weeks and maybe we’re still fighting.  But really?  We’re not speaking.  He hasn’t really been a part of my life since I moved to Tahoe, and he spent months prior to my move putting some distance between us.  Even so, I’ve been struggling to move on.

I can still see how losing him changed me, and these were not changes for the better.  I’m still overly sensitive about some things, and I’m still reluctant to let anyone get as close to me as he did.  Sometimes I still hope we’ll work things out, that the years we’ve put between us can be forgotten and we can go back to normal.

I loved him with good reason, but I need to heal this wound.  I’ve let it take over a big portion of my life and I want my life to be wholly my own.  I suspect he’ll always be someone I love, someone I’d welcome back into my life, but I don’t want to be as involved in something that’s no longer there.  In 2011 I’m going to actively work to heal.

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Eliminate! Eliminate!

11 Dec
Imperial Daleks
Image by Kaptain Kobold via Flickr

Reverb10: Eleven Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

  1. People who do not appreciate me or treat me with care and respect.

    How will I eliminate this? I need to pay more attention to what people are bringing to my life and strengthen the positive relationships and eliminate the ones that drain me.

    What will this change? I spend too much time trying to fix things and worrying about how to make things work; relationships are not one-sided and I cannot make them work without the cooperation of the other person. If it’s not a collaborative effort to treat each other well and create a mutually supportive relationship, then it needs to go.

  2. The word should.

    How will I eliminate this? I get too caught up in my own expectations. I am a bit of a perfectionist, which is helpful in some circumstances, but is generally destructive. Instead, I’d like to start reminding myself of my goals and thinking about potential next steps. Any step forward is good, not just the steps I “should” be taking.

    What will this change? I think having the discipline to work toward my goals with the sense to be flexible will serve me far better than nitpicking what I “should” do.

  3. Clutter of any kind.

    How will I eliminate this? The first step is to go though everything completely. I’m actually very close with this — one more box and two more bags and I’ll be done. Beyond that is simple maintenance: monitor every thing that comes into my life and either find a use for it or let it go.

    What will this change? Clutter is a distraction at best and a form of self-sabotage at worst. I want my home to be an atmosphere conducive to living and building. Clutter in my home clutters my mind and demands my attention — if only so I can be irritated with it. I want a clear, calm place to start from, inside and out.

  4. Limits on my imagination.

    How will I eliminate this? Not a clue. I’m not even entirely sure what I mean, but it stuck with me as I was making this list.

    What will this change? I do think having a bigger imagination will help me see more ways to move forward, which can only help.

  5. Loneliness.

    How will I eliminate this? I think the first two items on this list are the best ways to go about eliminating loneliness. I certainly have enough relationships of varying types, but being more mindful of what I want and what I am building with someone else will be helpful.

    What will this change? I think it will give me a better sense of boundaries and keep me from becoming too dependent on the people I am closest too.

  6. Lack of dedication to my own well-being.

    How will I eliminate this? All I need to do is listen to my body and my emotions and act on what I need. I can already hear the messages, but I’m not following through.

    What will this change? Taking care of myself? It can only make me healthier in every way.

  7. Doubt in my own spark.

    How will I eliminate this? I have amazing self-confidence, but only in what I already am. When it comes to building and moving forward I frequently doubt my abilities or my chances of success. I’m not sure I can eliminate the doubt, but I can move on in spite of it.

    What will this change? If I can get past the doubt, I can try new things and build my empire. Settling for what I have, as good as much of it is, is not enough.

  8. Withdrawing.

    How will I eliminate this? I can remember to ask for help. I have many people willing to listen and provide hugs, and those seemingly little things can make a big difference. And even if I need something bigger, there might be someone willing and able to provide it, if they know I need it.

    What will this change? I can spend less time handling problems or recovering from difficult situations and more time moving forward. Withdrawing almost always means holding still, or a lateral movement at best, and that’s not what I’m trying to do.

  9. Disorder

    How will I eliminate this? Even a loose plan and a modicum of preparation make a huge difference for me. I don’t have to devote my life to planning and I don’t have to worry when things don’t go in a way I was prepared for, but a little structure makes a big difference.

    What will this change? Disorder, much like clutter and withdrawing, is a huge time-suck. I do not have unlimited time so I want to use it in ways that serve me.

  10. Unevaluated expectations.

    How will I eliminate this? It’s actually not that hard — all I have to do is pay attention to what I’m actually expecting to get out of a situation or experience with a person. (I came across this idea at Enter: Adulthood a few days ago, and it’s already proven helpful.)

    What will this change? Being aware of what I expect will make things easier. It will save me the disappointment of not getting something I didn’t know I wanted and it will make it easier for me to communicate and plan. Unspoken expectations make for unpleasant surprises.

  11. Fear-based decisions.

    How will I eliminate this? I tend to make fear-based decisions when something must be changed immediately, but I’m not prepared to make a change. Eliminating disorder from my life will help. Having faith in my own spark will help. Removing limits on my imagination will help. Evaluating my expectations will help. I will get there.

    What will this change? Is fear ever a good foundation? I was at a Quaker meeting a few months ago, and someone felt moved to say that there are only two forces in the universe: fear and love. I’ll never fully eliminate fear, but I do not want to build upon it.

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Making room for what I need.

10 Dec
A woman is hogtied. Note the carrying handle o...
Image via Wikipedia

Reverb10: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

It’s possible that buying my first pair of powder skis was the wisest decision I’ve made this year…I can now turn through the fluffy stuff with an ease I never thought I’d experience.  I love them and am thankful every time I have occasion to use them.  However, as wise as that decision was, it’s not the focus of today’s post.  Instead I’m going to talk about a decision I made earlier today (technically yesterday), that I’m not entirely happy about.

Tuesday night a previous one-night stand sent me a text.  We’d originally met two months ago and had a spectacular evening.  The sex was unbelievable.  We’d both agreed that we didn’t want to make even the slightest commitment, but in the past two months we’d made contact a couple of times with the (thus far unsuccessful) goal of meeting up again.  I was thrilled to hear from him, so we made plans to get together Saturday night.  He asked me to send him a text the next morning and I went to bed happy.

Wednesday morning I sent him the requested text.  No response.  Wednesday evening I sent him a follow-up text.  No response.  Thursday morning I sent him an angry text.  Almost instantaneous response.  For various reasons, a failure to respond when I’m trying to communicate makes me feel more hurt and insecure than anything else I can think of, so Thursday morning’s was a bit hostile, but we talked it out.  As convenient as it sounds, I do think that he simply never received the texts I sent on Wednesday.  And yet that still didn’t resolve the problem.

Tuesday night I was excited to hear from him, I was excited about the idea of seeing him, I was excited about what I knew would be wonderful sex.  By Thursday afternoon I was uncomfortable and sad about the whole thing.  In the midst of trying to resolve my problem with what happened on Wednesday, I realized I was reacting very strongly, even given my feelings on ignored communication.  I was legitimately upset about the texting thing, but the real problem is I wanted to date this man and he had been very honest with me and made it clear that wasn’t something he wanted at this time.

The thing that was really upsetting me was that our feelings for each other were completely out of balance.  Even knowing that a relationship wasn’t going to happen, it was still my goal.  I was worrying about saying or doing something that would push him away.  I wasn’t speaking up about my limits because I was afraid they would be a turn off.  He regarded me as someone he enjoyed spending the occasional evening with, while I was hoping to build a relationship.  And honestly?  That lack of balance is not something I can cope with.  It’s what I’m really afraid of when I get upset about those unanswered texts.  Even knowing that he likes me, respects me, and treats me well wasn’t enough to protect me from that dizzying fear.

Once I identified the real problem I felt calm and rational for the first time all day.  I explained what was going on and told him that the no-strings attached evening we had planned wasn’t going to work for me.  As much as I appreciate that he treats me with care, it’s not the same as caring about me and that’s what I need right now.  I want a relationship with someone who cares about me just as much as I care about them.  I don’t want a series of random evenings, I want to know that someone wants to spend time with me.

I gave up some amazing sex with an amazing person and a big part of me regrets that.  I am so grateful he made this easy on me by being honest about what he wanted and being patient enough to talk me through the irrational bits.  I talked to some friends afterward, and they suggested that I should have just kept having sex with him whenever it was convenient…eventually he would get attached.  I’d love to take that advice, but all the uncertainty would make me crazy.  I’d have no way of knowing if he’d even want to see me again and even if he did, eventually changing his mind is obviously not a sure thing.  Worst of all, I’d be hurt every time he did exactly what he was honest enough to tell me he wanted to do.  I keep making myself crazy by focusing on his (many) good qualities, but when I step back, those are the things that make me think I want to date him, not fuck him.  Sex (really good sex) is the only thing he’s offering right now.

Today was emotionally exhausting, but I’m taking better care of myself by paying attention to what I actually need.  He really is wonderful, but I can’t have today become a routine.  If I keep him around, I’ll use him as an excuse not make room for someone better suited to what I want.

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