Making room for what I need.

10 Dec
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Reverb10: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

It’s possible that buying my first pair of powder skis was the wisest decision I’ve made this year…I can now turn through the fluffy stuff with an ease I never thought I’d experience.  I love them and am thankful every time I have occasion to use them.  However, as wise as that decision was, it’s not the focus of today’s post.  Instead I’m going to talk about a decision I made earlier today (technically yesterday), that I’m not entirely happy about.

Tuesday night a previous one-night stand sent me a text.  We’d originally met two months ago and had a spectacular evening.  The sex was unbelievable.  We’d both agreed that we didn’t want to make even the slightest commitment, but in the past two months we’d made contact a couple of times with the (thus far unsuccessful) goal of meeting up again.  I was thrilled to hear from him, so we made plans to get together Saturday night.  He asked me to send him a text the next morning and I went to bed happy.

Wednesday morning I sent him the requested text.  No response.  Wednesday evening I sent him a follow-up text.  No response.  Thursday morning I sent him an angry text.  Almost instantaneous response.  For various reasons, a failure to respond when I’m trying to communicate makes me feel more hurt and insecure than anything else I can think of, so Thursday morning’s was a bit hostile, but we talked it out.  As convenient as it sounds, I do think that he simply never received the texts I sent on Wednesday.  And yet that still didn’t resolve the problem.

Tuesday night I was excited to hear from him, I was excited about the idea of seeing him, I was excited about what I knew would be wonderful sex.  By Thursday afternoon I was uncomfortable and sad about the whole thing.  In the midst of trying to resolve my problem with what happened on Wednesday, I realized I was reacting very strongly, even given my feelings on ignored communication.  I was legitimately upset about the texting thing, but the real problem is I wanted to date this man and he had been very honest with me and made it clear that wasn’t something he wanted at this time.

The thing that was really upsetting me was that our feelings for each other were completely out of balance.  Even knowing that a relationship wasn’t going to happen, it was still my goal.  I was worrying about saying or doing something that would push him away.  I wasn’t speaking up about my limits because I was afraid they would be a turn off.  He regarded me as someone he enjoyed spending the occasional evening with, while I was hoping to build a relationship.  And honestly?  That lack of balance is not something I can cope with.  It’s what I’m really afraid of when I get upset about those unanswered texts.  Even knowing that he likes me, respects me, and treats me well wasn’t enough to protect me from that dizzying fear.

Once I identified the real problem I felt calm and rational for the first time all day.  I explained what was going on and told him that the no-strings attached evening we had planned wasn’t going to work for me.  As much as I appreciate that he treats me with care, it’s not the same as caring about me and that’s what I need right now.  I want a relationship with someone who cares about me just as much as I care about them.  I don’t want a series of random evenings, I want to know that someone wants to spend time with me.

I gave up some amazing sex with an amazing person and a big part of me regrets that.  I am so grateful he made this easy on me by being honest about what he wanted and being patient enough to talk me through the irrational bits.  I talked to some friends afterward, and they suggested that I should have just kept having sex with him whenever it was convenient…eventually he would get attached.  I’d love to take that advice, but all the uncertainty would make me crazy.  I’d have no way of knowing if he’d even want to see me again and even if he did, eventually changing his mind is obviously not a sure thing.  Worst of all, I’d be hurt every time he did exactly what he was honest enough to tell me he wanted to do.  I keep making myself crazy by focusing on his (many) good qualities, but when I step back, those are the things that make me think I want to date him, not fuck him.  Sex (really good sex) is the only thing he’s offering right now.

Today was emotionally exhausting, but I’m taking better care of myself by paying attention to what I actually need.  He really is wonderful, but I can’t have today become a routine.  If I keep him around, I’ll use him as an excuse not make room for someone better suited to what I want.

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2 Responses to “Making room for what I need.”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Healing, part two. « Real Live Revolution - December 20, 2010

    […] still see how losing him changed me, and these were not changes for the better.  I’m still overly sensitive about some things, and I’m still reluctant to let anyone get as close to me as he did.  […]

  2. Eliminate! Eliminate! « Real Live Revolution - December 14, 2010

    […] Unevaluated expectations. How will I eliminate this? It’s actually not that hard — all I have to do is pay attention to what I’m actually expecting to get out of a situation or experience with a person. (I came across this idea at Enter: Adulthood a few days ago, and it’s already proven helpful.) […]

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